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[22 Jun 2007|10:41am] |
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Not so slowly, my life begins to fall to pieces.
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[30 Apr 2007|03:32am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Silence |
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It's 3:30 in the morning. Ironically enough, this is usually when I get the greatest urge to post on this piece of shit. I can't sleep and it's annoying me. There is no point the this post beyond giving my something to do until 6:00. *shrug* I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy because I don't have what I want. Immediately, I want sleep. Beyond that, I want the unattainable. I want something that I can not have. Call me a spoiled brat, but that bothers me. It bothers me that while I try so hard to make things work, I can't have what I want. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not satisfied. I've never been happier in my life. Then again, I've never been more miserable. It's a strange combination. *sigh* This is all going to come out in one big non-sensical blob. And you know what? It's 3:37 now and I'm okay with that. I might even delete this before I post it. Who knows? This is how my mind works this late at night. It's advisable not to talk to me when it's past 3am. Man... This thing with the guys is really getting to me, too. It feels so awkward now. I can't stand it. I wish they'd grow the fuck up. Then again, that's not going to happen anytime soon and you'll be coming home within a fortnight. I can't wait. It sucks so much without you here, honey. Come home, please. You promised me you would. You promised me that you'd pick a forest that I could build a hut in. God... think this is the end of this post.
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| *shrug* |
[27 Apr 2007|10:56pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Alexisonfire - To A Friend |
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This city is haunted by ghosts from broken homes.
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| Dear God, |
[16 Apr 2007|01:43pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Hopesfall - The Bending |
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*sigh* Why can't I just be happy with the way things are right now? Why do I have such a hard time dealing? Other people don't. Or at least they don't show it. I don't know. Perhaps that's why I'm so upset. I want one thing. Only one thing. It's not much, but it means everything to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm breaking. I've never been an indifferent person, but I can feel myself slowly crumbling. Becoming a pile of swamp mush.
I had a dream last night. It was a very good dream. But with all good dreams, comes the realization. The realization that it was only a dream. That what I dreamed about is currently so very far away from me. That I can't have that right now. I acknowledge the fact that I am being impatient and nonsensical. I can't help it.
Everything hurts.
Why can't I have what I want?
Amen,
Justin William Rinker
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| I... |
[14 Aug 2006|02:29pm] |
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My first instinct when upset is to get angry. But that's not the same with her. Whenever I upset her, I feel hollow, miserable, and sick. Like I feel right now. I can't believe I fucked up again. I HATE it. I feel so sick I'm about to throw up. I can't make this better either. I... I don't have words right now. Only emotions. Sadness, stupidity, embarrasment, frustration, and illness. I just want to DIE. I thought writing this might make me feel a little better, but of course it hasn't. The only thing that will make me feel any better is her not being upset with me anyore. And I can't doing anything right now to make that happen. So for now, I'll just die.
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[07 May 2006|10:28am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Taking Back Sunday - Error: Operator |
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GAH!!!!! *destoys random shit*
Fucking kill me...
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[01 May 2006|07:47pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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Silence |
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I. Can't. Fucking. Take. It.
I'm being jerked around on a fucking chain.
Happy
Sad
Elated
Miserable
Ecstatic
Suicidal
I don't know anymore. I want to be sad right now, but my apathy is overwhelming. I want to feel the pain that is being caused by this loss.
I want to be happy. I should be happy. For her. It's not right. I'm selfish. Just kill me.
I need someone to talk to; while at the same time being afraid to find out how disgustingly self-involved my sorrow is.
I wish I could just purge it all from my system. My sickness, my sadness, my jealousy, my anger, my pity. All of it.
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| Thinking. |
[05 Feb 2006|02:42pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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Silence |
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I was thinking today about a selection of things that had piqued my interest and I have decided to share them with you.
1. The difference between loving someone and being in love. They are different and can be easily by those who haven't experienced either in great detail. Being in love tends to imply that those who are "in love" tend to "make love". There is this physical love between them that may not exist between two people who love each other.
2. Falling out of love. I don't know why I thought it, but I seem to remember thinking that people who fell out of love could never possibly love each other. However, now I believe that one who no longer is "in love" with his/her partner, can still be able to love them emotionally. This seems to happen a lot in marriage lately.
3. Why I think about love so much. This one I still haven't figured out. *shrug* It just seems to be a thing with me. Perhaps I use it to quench some unconscious thirst [i]for[/i] love of my own. I find that it is making me restless at night and depriving me of sleep.
4. My parents. Perhaps it's just me. Actually, I suppose that most of the frustration in this house has been caused by me for myself. I sort of have a habit of making things worse for myself than they really are, and them totally pretending I have no problems at all. A defense mechanism or a flaw in my personality? I have still yet to decide.
5. Why I don't like to update Livejournal. I don't like to push my problems out onto other people. It annoys me to think of myself as dependent upon anyone and if I receive sympathy from someone, it makes me feel like I made them feel bad because I felt bad. Yeah, I know. Long sentence.
Anyway, just a few of the things I was thinking about this afternoon. Enjoy your Superbowl parties, everyone.
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| Overwhelmed |
[18 Jan 2006|06:17pm] |
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mood |
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indescribable |
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music |
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Finch - Dreams of Psilocbin |
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I feel like I'm playing God with my life. I've created a world and wrapped it around myself. A world created in my image. A world with lies for rivers, mistakes for trees, and fuck ups for people. I'm trying to escape but every time I move, every time I try to run, it closes in on me. It binds me even tighter than before. And at the core of my Earth, my reality, there is a dull pulsing sensation that I'm beginning to think is a dark, malicious fear. The clouds in the atmosphere are blinding me. I can't see farther than a few days into the future. Past that... I'm ... lost.
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| Goodbye |
[09 Jan 2006|02:37pm] |
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Goodbye, everyone. It's going to be awile until you hear from me again. I'm going to be gone for a while and I don't plan to be back very soon. This isn't another one of my poems or rants. It's a message to all who care and it's explaining that I'm going to have no contact with anyone outside of school for a very long time. I'll talk to you all in a month or two, or in school.
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| Another of my shitty poems. |
[18 Dec 2005|11:09pm] |
My smoke filled lungs bring tear stained eyes,
And my empty stomach brings silent cries.
You know the pain of my old inflictions,
And the strength of these new addictions.
Yet if I can't help but cause you sorrow,
Then pack your bags and leave tomorrow.
And while I'm watching your silhouette fade,
I'll realize how big a mistake I've made.
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| No. |
[24 Sep 2005|01:10pm] |
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I'm so fucking done.
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[07 Aug 2005|10:59pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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Why?
I wonder if anyone could tell me.
Why I'm doing what I'm doing.
Because I certainly don't know.
Then again, if I looked harder, maybe I'd find out.
Maybe I don't want to find out.
Maybe I'd rather just forget I exist for a bit.
Leave my emotions and feelings alone.
They aren't doing me too much good.
In fact, I think they're considering mutiny.
I wish I could say something.
It's really kind of simple.
But after I say it, I know I will regret it.
Because bad things are soon to follow.
I don't want to hint, or make people curious.
This post is for myself, and only myself.
Not to be selfish, mind you.
I just need something in writing.
Something permanent.
Because as soon as someone reads this, it can't be erased.
And in the end it really just comes down to one fact.
I hate myself for hating myself for feeling this way.
I bet this sounds awfully emo, doesn't it?
Not too out of the ordinary for a LiveJournal post.
The majority of you will glance over this and dismiss it as just another rant.
Then again, isn't that what I want?
Not to be recognized?
I'm not ready for it.
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[05 Aug 2005|08:28pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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music |
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Boys Night Out - Medicating |
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My life tells the story of a razorblade romance.
One man's lost dance, awkward glance, last chance.
Now he's medicated, desecrated, and dilapidated.
The pills in these bottles are making him jaded,
And after awile, he's all but faded.
*shrugs* It sounded good in the shower.
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[04 Aug 2005|11:10pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Silence |
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My heart, the masochist in my chest, meet my brain, the apathetic bomb in my skull.
Stab me between the ribs to make me happy, push on my temples to watch me blow.
Watch pieces of me float to the ground, a temporary shock, aimed to null.
I am the weapon of mass destruction, to every emotion I'll ever know.
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[31 Jul 2005|10:48am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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music |
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Armor for Sleep - Car Underwater |
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Time to quiz my friends!
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your bulletin and see what I say about you?
Do it! For me? Pahweeze?
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[15 Jul 2005|08:34pm] |
I'd like to think that I'm not one of those kids who whine or complain all of the time. I'd like to think that I'm not dark or constantly moody. I'd even like to think that people believe they can depend on me. I find it funny, though, that I can't seem to depend on myself. The person that I usually depend on isn't here right now. She's away on a cruise having fun. A cruise she deserves so much, that it's impossible, for anyone who doesn't know her, to imagine. I guess this rant was inspired by my current lack of an emotional outlet and the fact that I really miss her.
For the sake of not sounding like a totally spoiled child, I'll skip around family issues; seeing as, a large portion of the world are worse off than I. Focusing on emotional distress, I'd have to say the leading cause of it would be loneliness. It's been so long since I've held someone that I think I'm forgetting how to. My heart doesn't want to be alone anymore. I mean, I love being able to say that I'm "free spirited" and I can do whatever I wish because I'm not tied up by anyone, but who's kidding? The majority of the time, I'm sitting here wishing I had someone to be bound to. Someone I could call and talk to and not worry about if I were saying something stupid. I wouldn't have to worry because that person would understand. They'd understand that I was being me. No holds barred and nothing held back. That in itself would be enough.
One of the other problems I've been having lately would be my complete lack of self-esteem. I'm tired of putting up a front all of the time. It's eating away at me. Lately I just physically, mentally, socially, and emotionally hate myself. Sometimes, I'll summon up courage to do something and then either: take a look in a mirror, look at a piece of my writing, or look at my life in general, and loose of of that courage instantaniously. I wish I could be more happy with myself. I wish I wouldn't let get to me, but it does. It sucks to feel this hopeless and I'm sick of giving up on things because of it, but the truth is, it's real. It's like I've got two people inside my head. One of them is optimistic, always suggesting uplifting ideas and the other is rational and realizes that they aren't going to happen.
So for now, I'll go lay on my bed with the lights turned off and my eyes closed shut. I'll hold my big pillow and cuddle my teddy bear, wishing I was someone else.
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[14 Jul 2005|12:18am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Silence |
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The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to good manners and elegance. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.
You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval. |
Your Birthdate: March 21 |
Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.
The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.
There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude.
You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.
Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.
You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.
You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.
Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about.
You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive.
You are subject to rapid ups and downs. |
These seem to have hit dead on.
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| *clapclap cla-clap* |
[06 Jul 2005|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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The Starting Line - Bedroom Talk |
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We're beaten and broken,
Pieces of a puzzle that makes no sense.
Sickeningly sweet anthems of romance and despair;
Poisoning the mind of children and adults alike.
But James skips down the block, his mind focused on daffodils and daisies.
Little boys should be playing with G.I Joe , they say.
He heeds them not.
They're fools playing a game he's not gonna join.
He likes the smell of fresh flowers in the morning.
They remind him of his mother's hair.
Ocean tides sweep him away, leaving inhibitions and stereotypes behind.
He floats like a dead man, but couldn't be more alive.
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